I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since Fred and I talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had midjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I made repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of puting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to 'having' to regularly be the messenger of such bad new to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying way to live, I discovered. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year, and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lucsciously on the horizon ...a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage. A picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituated to putting the true living of life on holid is that it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living life. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grandkids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for 'retirement' on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since we talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had misjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I said repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of putting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to the having to regularly be the messenger of such bad news to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying to live, I believe. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lusciously on the horizon a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage, a picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituate to putting the true living of life on hold, it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grand-kids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just had a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for retirement on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

Christmas is fast approaching. This is a holiday that I don't much celebrate except for some of the socializing that happens ...which means that I've been making an extra effort to connect with people, have coffee, catch up. And in the process of doing that catching up, I've become once more very aware of the great divide that seems to separate women and men: friendship.

Now maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I keep hearing from men how their wife is their best friend. And I keep hearing from woman that while they love their husband and have a friendship with him as well a marriage, his friendship isn't at the top of their list of friendships. For many, it doesn't even make the top 10 list of friendships!

I got talking with one woman in particular this week about this phenomena and we agreed that there is a whole generation of bommers out there who are heading for some very interesting "retirement" situations where the men have this fantasy of having their wives all to themselves in retirement and the women have this fantasy of having their friends to play with and their husbands to come home to at the end of a playful day!

It really has me curious about what the future holds in store for many marriages as retirement looms. My good buddy (and business collaborator) Mike and I are getting ready to launch a new weekend workshop called RetireMyth™ (www.ouicoach.com). One of the top 10 myths about retirement that participants will be able to explore will be "Your close relationship with your spouse/partner will sustain you in retirement". I am very much looking forward to this male/female friendship conversation coming up during those workshops and seeing what insights people gain for themselves when they begin to connect with the fact that all may not be what it seems to be on the surface.

I know that this is about to become a major adjustment factor for many couples as they move into retirement. I wonder how many women will quietly let go of their dream of spending quality time with their girlfriends and will devote themselves exclusively to their man, patiently awaiting the day when they are on their own (because we all know that it is much more likely for women to be left widowed than for men). I wonder how many couples will discover a whole new vibrancy to their marriages because the woman finds the courage within herself to claim her right and her need to maintain friendships outside her marriage. And I wonder how many men are going to find, possibly for the first time in their life, the joy that friendship can bring to their experience.

What I've become aware of as I write this posting is that in my own friendships with both women and men, I only have male friends who have frienships. I don't know many men, even amongst my coaching clients, who only have their wives as friends. Yet amongst my women friends, I have a number who are living with men who have no friends. Some of these men live the delusion that they have friends, but typically these are what I call 'fantasy friends' ...people they perhaps used to have vibrant friendships with but with whom they now stay in occasional contact with, usually via e-mail or the occasional card. In their day-to-day life these are men who don't meaningfully interact with any human being other than their wife. These are men who have reduced the horizon of relationship to only one other human being. Kind of sad when I stop and think about it. I'm glad for myself that I attract the other kind of men to myself, the kind of men who have learned that they have more to offer to a woman when they stay connected to other people.

I was chatting with a 50-something entrepreneurial man the other day who couldn't fathom that there are huge numbers of people who go to work every day absolutely hating their jobs, to say nothing of the even greater number who have become numb to work. For these numbed out employees, it isn't that their experience is especially awful, but at some point they gave up and are now quietly putting in their time while they wait for the blessed release that they believe will come with retirement.

I must admit that since we talked, I've found myself reflecting back on my decades in the corporate world, questioning my own memories of my work experiences, especially in the later years of my career when success abounded, when the money flowed and recognition was plentiful. I found myself wondering whether I had misjudged what a struggle the workplace felt like for me ...and then I remembered the sign that I'd hung up over my computer for the first couple of years of building my own business. It said "I can't take another day of this" and it was the statement that I said repeatedly to my husband for years before I finally took a generous buy-out package and ran!

That sign was a reminder for me when I had my moments of panic and uncertainty in this new world of independent business to not forget just how challenging I'd found it to work in a corporate context while remaining a real person with ethical standards. To remember that my frequent bouts of "I can't take another day of this" spoke to the frustration of putting my heart and soul into a project only to have it cancelled just as it was beginning to produce results because an organizational change had happened at senior levels and the new EVP had a different set of priorities; it spoke to the having to regularly be the messenger of such bad news to my staff while being creative in positioning the news so as to keep them motivated and willing to stay in the organization; it spoke to the politics, in-fighting and constant lobbying necessary with my peers to retain staffing levels, budgets and visibility with whoever currently mattered in the hierarchy.

That is a soul-destroying to live, I believe. And yet I know that the vast majority of North Americans live and work in these kinds of conditions: week after week, month after month, year after year and decade after decade. No wonder retirement has come to feel like a wonderous mirage for so many. It is the image that floats lusciously on the horizon a dazzling promise of the nourishment and refreshment to come. It keeps us going when our day-to-day existence seems so bleak.

And therein lies the sad paradoxical news for so many. Retirement as we tend to fantasize it is just that ...a mirage. Unless we take the time and energy to invest ourself in converting the glowing dream into some sort of practical reality for ourselves; unless we learn to build the skills that will allow us to live well in retirement it will remain just a mirage, a picture that represents the myth of the perpetual weekend!

The sad truth for many who have become deeply habituate to putting the true living of life on hold, it will be a real struggle to rediscover the skill of actually living. We will simply exchange the mind numbing process of going to work for the equally mind numbing retirement of sitting in front of the boob tube hour after hour, waiting for the occasional trip to the mail-box, coffee with the old gang or visit from our kids and grand-kids to add some pizzazz to life.

Whew, I just had a moment of panic at what my future could be ...and then I remembered that I stepped off that particular treadmill a decade ago and now live a full, vibrant and fulfilling life with no plans for retirement on my horizon. Life is just too much fun and has too many interesting things in it for me to choose that path. What about you?

Why wait? That's the question that keeps surfacing in the conversations my buddy Mike and I have been having as we work on developing our RetireMyth workshop. Not as in "why wait for retirement" but as in "why wait for retirement to get a life worth living?"

We are both struck by how many people we come across who are clear that they are merely putting in time until the clock runs down to the magic moment when retirement becomes their reward for decades of living a life of quiet desperation. They are full of dreams about how glorious retirement will be: all that time to do whatever they want, whenever they want.

Yet few of them ever stop to notice that unless they teach themselves to live meaningfully, it is unlikely that they'll be any more happy or contented in retirement than they are now. In fact, unless they invest some time, money and energy into learning how to live differently they increase the chances of not even making it to retirement age ...or at least getting there in full physical and mental health.

Because there is a growing body evidence that shows that people who live feeling like they have little control of their lives are the same people who develop chronic stress related diseases: heart conditions, cancer, depression, diabetes, neurological disorders. And people who don't keep themselves mentally stimulated are much more susceptible to dementia's of various types. Even people who keep themselves physically fit but don't attend to their underlying levels of anger and rage often succumb to sudden death from heart attack and stroke!

Not that I want to terrify you, but I keep being puzzled by the large numbers of people I encounter who want to live the fantasy that the future will be different without making any kind of change in how they live today. And anyone from AA will tell you that "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got". There isn't a magic formula here. I'm beginning to come to grips with the fact that my growing awareness of, and puzzlement by this paradoxical situation probably reflects my own inner conversations about being fit in old age. ...I keep seeing myself as a fit older person, yet I know I don't make much time in my life for fitness creating activities. So pardon me while I have a good chuckle at myself. If you agree to work on creating some meaning in your life, I'll work on getting my muscular and cardio fitness improved. Hey wait a minute, let me re-phrase that, I'll take responsibility for improving my fitness regardless of whether you choose to create a meaningful life for yourself because I know how committed I am to living long, living large and living healthily! How about you?

Eccentricity. To me, eccentricity is about daring to be different. The first definition my dictionary has for the word is 'not having the same centre'. And while this definition has a geometrical application (they are talking about two circles) it struck me that it suits a human application just as well. It applies to those who know and accept that what drives them, what excites them, what makes life worth living is defined by them rather than by societal norms.

One of the truisms of our culture is that people tend to become more eccentric as they get older. And many of their friends, colleagues and relatives become increasingly concerned about their eccentricities: are they losing it? are they moving towards some sort of mental la-la land? are they in danger of becoming some sort of a threat to themselves or others?

I have always relished the ways in which I believe I am eccentric and have lived for years with well meaning advice from others about how much more 'successful' (i.e. make more money) I'd be if I 'toned down' or 'took the edge off' my idiosyncracies. So I was thrilled to read in Ernie Zelinski's excellent book How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free that there is a body of research that shows that:

"true eccentrics are much happier than the rest of the population. Moreover, they are healthier and tend to live much longer. ...True eccentrics are creative, curious, idealistic, intelligent, opinionated, and obsessed with some hobby. These non-conformists give themselves the freedom to be themselves, a luxury that most people in society haven't learned how to enjoy. Eccentricity allows them to pursue hobbies and lifestyles that are their passions. Freed from the need to conform, eccentrics aren't bothered by what others think about them. It follows that only those who can be eccentric can truly live. Thus, celebrate your eccentricity and you will be set free. Your self-development and movement towards self-actualization will be wondrous, mysterious, and fascinating."

I have long subscribed to the belief that one of the benefits women experience with aging is that we rediscover our individual essence and rejoice unabashedly in it as society's expectations of ourselves as sexual beings diminishes. For many of us, menopause ushers in a period of stepping into our eccentricies, into our unabashed power, into our creative potential! No wonder many of our husbands and children look at us strangely as we choose to set aside our willingness to conform to society's norms and begin to truly express the full dimensionality of who we are ...and that includes our willingness to say NO! ...to push back ...to claim space and time for ourselves. In many families the 'little woman' becomes someone only seen in brief flashes before.

I'm off now to discover more about the work of psychologist David Weeks and writer Jamie James who have been studying eccentrics for some time. Who knows, I just may help to inspire many of you to begin to let the 'real you' come out to play for the first time in decades!!

The myths related to retirement are many. This was the theme of a short talk I made to my Business Breakfast Club networking group this morning. And as I went through a short list of some of the most prevalent ones there some knowing nods amongst those who had friends or family who'd retired ...but many eyebrows raised in surprise as this group comprised largely of baby boomers began to connect with the retirement myths they were living from.

Perhaps the one they had thought about least was the myth that retirement is an "event", when the reality is that retirement is a process. My friends and colleagues with whom I've been meeting weekly for a decade were stunned to realize that for many retirement will be thrust upon them, rather than be something they've anticipated or planned for. They were further surprised to learn that involuntary retirement happens to roughly twice as many Canadian women as men.

Why's that, they puzzled. Largely for two reasons was my response. Women populate many of the most volatile jobs in the Western economy. Positions in retail, customer services, admin: many of which are part-time and subject to higher rates of downsizing and layoffs than other sectors of the economy. Secondly, women are still considered to be the caretakers of relationships in our culture. When aging parents become ill or unable to take care of themselves, it is more likely for women to leave the workforce in order to provide the care they need.

They were also pretty shocked to discover that the average age at which women in Canada become widowed is 55. For many of these women, whatever retirement plans they had fly right out of the window as they face a life on their own instead of within a partnership, frequently in reduced financial situations.

On the up side they were pleased to discover that our pre-retirement obsession with having enough money for retirement doesn't impact our experience of retirement. Recent studies have shown that amongst people who are already retired, money is 4th on their list of what's important for a happy retirement: health, relationships and rewarding activities are all more important to the quality of life we experience in retirement than is money. So take heart all you folks who are worried that despite your best efforts you still don't have enough squirrelled away. If you focus on staying healthy, building and maintain satisfying relationships and develop activities that feel rewarding for you you can still have a great retirement experience.

I felt good as I wrapped up my little talk, knowing that I had left these folks with lots to think about. As I edge towards retirement I am constantly reminded of how much meaningful activity I create for myself and how many satisfying relationships I've invested in over the years. Perhaps that's why outright retirement continues to feel like something I have little interest in. My life doesn't feel like work but feels full, satisfying and adventurous. What a way to live!

How about you ...where's your life at in terms of your relationship quotient? Where are you in developing activities that leave you feeling fulfilled and gratified? If money has been your major focus, perhaps it's time to begin investing your energies a little differently. The rewards may be much more substantial in the long run.